Warning: the following contains labels, over-simplifications, stereotypes, slights and slurs.
We live in a divided country, so I escape to nature in general, and my garden in particular. But even there I cannot escape political differences.
Here’s a crash course on how to spot the political leanings of the gardener.
The tidiest gardens in my neighborhood belong to Republicans: they’ve been trimmed, sprayed, denuded, edged, weed whacked and mulched. Democrats tolerate a fair amount of disarray. Organization is not their strong suit. Will Rogers said it best: “I am not a member of any organized political party. I’m a Democrat.”
Havahart™ traps were made for Democrats.
Democrats are tolerant to a flaw. They only trap critters after they’ve eaten their way through the vegetable garden many times. My Republican friends own guns, and they use them. Both parties agree a gun is quicker than hauling a Havahart™ trap with a mad woodchuck to a quiet country road.
Rare plants versus common plants? If you want to know the latest plant trends, look no farther than the garden of the former head of the local Republican Party. In contrast, the head of our local Democratic Party has planted a garden with common plants and pollinators in mind. The garden is buzzing with activity, even though the local political party has no activity.
Democrats meet once a month with the same agenda – which never includes the word WIN. They drink wine and whine about Republicans. If you want to see their heads spin, use the words strategy or message. Meeting after meeting they have the same action steps. None.
I told a Democrat that I liked his garden and he gave me ten reasons why I liked it. I can’t remember any of them because he talked so long and used so many multi-syllable words that my eyes glazed over. He had invited other Democrats over to see his garden and they talked and agreed on nothing. I asked him about a particular planting and he took a half hour to explain it.
Maybe that’s why Democrats use the Latin names of most plants. They’re longer. (See my blessay: Lutheran vs. Catholic Gardeners.) But ask a Republican what he intends to do about the root rot on his corn, and he’ll say: “Kill.” Now that’s economy.
Size matters in gardens. Neither political party has the corner on size, but Republicans tend to think bigger is better as long as they’re not bound by regulations. “You don’t need regulations because each gardener should take ‘personal responsibility’ for how he or she uses chemicals,” says a Republican friend.
You can’t make this stuff up.
If you see a lawn service pull up, it’s probably a Republican’s lawn they’ve come to treat. Sure, there are Democrats who hire lawn services, but if it’s TruGreen® (formerly known as Chemlawn, but with a brand name designed to deceive) it’s not the lawn of a Democrat. The buyers of organic lawn care are mostly Democrats. They’re suckers for anything labeled “organic.” They don’t take a chemical approach to pests; they tolerate dandelions and other weeds because they believe they’re good for beneficial insects. (Scientific fact in previous sentence.)
Gardening based on the latest science is the goal of most Democrats. The information they glean from literature on beehive collapse or pear blight, shows up in their garden practices. Republicans ignore the latest scientific findings because they believe they know what’s right for the planet.
One of my Republican friends even quoted the bible. “God gave man dominion over the earth.” Democrats believe the word dominion means stewardship, not domination.
The corner on righteousness? Democrats own that.
Republicans also believe there’s “a lot of hype in the science reporting on climate change.” Hurricane Harvey and Irma were “flukes,” they say. “The weather is cyclical.” I ask: “How do you explain the three warmest years on record?” Their answer: “Propaganda from the liberal media.” When I show them that Republicans own most of the media, they say: “Why do you make this stuff up?”
Okay, we’re pretty deep in the weeds right now, so grab your Round-Up® or other newly unregulated chemicals.
You may be thinking Geez, she’s biased.
So, in fairness to my Independent friends, next time I’ll give a summary of an Independent’s garden. On second thought, Independents believe the George Carlin line: “Never join a group that has a name.”